Be a Man
by vivisuu
Summary: All Tobio wants is to hold you in his arms again, to hug you and to never let you go… but even that's too much to ask. College!AU.


Listen to the song here: Be a Man by MBLAQ

_ "__Let's break up." _

Walking through the barren hallways of the college after academic hours, the tall, ebony-haired male sighs internally, his eyes unfocused and pace slow. His shoulder scrapes against the wall of the building, his jacket scratching loudly against it. The torturous, monotonous _thud, thud, thud _of his footsteps on the shining white tile is the sole soundtrack to his nightmare, the steady beat to the constant rap of those three words circling his mind like hungry buzzards flocking towards a prize cut of meat.

Tobio pulls open the sliding door to his lecture classroom, collapsing in his chair as soon as he reaches it. He slumps over, head in his hands, raven hair flopping messily in front of his eyes. Looking over at the chair you usually sit in, now abandoned, he returns his gaze back to his lonely desk.

"Was I the only one… who truly cared?"

_I'm so dizzy, did I bump my head somewhere?_

_Let's break up, those words keep circling me,_

_did I hear it wrong?_

_"__Let's break up, Tobio." _

Your lips forming the words, your eyes cold and unfeeling, you shove one hand into your pocket, the other still tightly held in his hand. One earbud hangs on your collar and the other one is shoved in your ear. You shrug off his arm that's wrapped around your shoulders.

His heart drops. A frigid, aching feeling fills his chest, replacing the warmth he had felt before, shattering the affection that had bubbled and ballooned in his chest just moments before.

"Why?"

You sigh, running a hand through your messy hair as you stare at him. "It's hard to explain."

_Try to explain, _he wants to say, _do your best,_ but his lips can't – or won't – form these simple words. _We can work this out. _"(First Name)…"

"Stop it. This is hard for me too," you mumble, looking down at the ground. Your hair flops in your eyes.

He's waiting for you to pull it back behind your ears like you always do, to bite your lip and look up at him again, eyes twinkling. He's waiting for you to smirk at him and say, _"Just kidding! I love you~" _in that lilting voice of yours, waiting for you to pull him into a hug, waiting for you to reach up and ruffle his hair with your hand. He's waiting for you to wrap your arms around his back, waiting for the chance to take you into his arms if you're feeling shy, waiting for the chance to smell the fragrant (favorite shampoo smell, e.g. strawberry) scent of your shampoo in your hair again…

_"__Let's break up." _"I'm sorry."

…but that chance never comes.

_Wait, everything is falling into place now_

_You had your fun with me and now you shock me_

_by saying you want to break up_

_"__But I love you." "Why?" "Whatever I did wrong, I promise, I'll change. I'll fix it. I'll become better." "I'm sorry." _Four replies that go unspoken, communicated only through Tobio's dry, tearless eyes as he stares at his desk again.

He's tried to forget about that moment. He tried meeting up with his friends and going to mixers, tried playing volleyball, tried losing himself in schoolwork and studying, tried eating his favorite food to drown out the sadness, but it's all to no avail. He doesn't remember walking around on campus, showing his ID to the guard out front, opening the door to his dorm room with his key, or collapsing onto his bed. He's aware of nothing at this point, knowing only the searing pain in his heart.

He sits on his bed, staring at the blank wall. It used to be filled with pictures of the two of you, pictures of happier times, but those got torn down long ago.

Inhale. Try to ignore the sound of your beautiful voice, your chime-like laugh, ringing in his ears. Exhale.

Inhale. Try to close his eyes and ignore the sight of your sparkling (eye color) eyes and face. Exhale.

Inhale. Try to smell only the scent of curry and spicy instant noodles, and not the tell-tale fragrance of your shampoo. Exhale.

Inhale. Try not to feel your hair in his fingers, your frame embracing his, your favorite drink becoming sweaty in his hands as he waits for you after classes and lectures. _Slowly_ exhale.

_After slowly thinking about it,_

_I can't live without you_

_If you're not here, I'm not here either,_

_all I'd do is just breathe._

You shuffle your feet uncomfortably and pull out your other earbud, staring at him. "I'm sorry, Tobio, I really am." Your hand slips out from his, falling to rest by your side as you stare at the sidewalk, not meeting his forlorn gaze. "Find another girl, you know? She'll be better than me. Anyone'll be better than me. But… we're over."

He clenches his hand into a fist, resisting the urge to grab your hand again. He fights the want to wrap your body in a tight hug, unable to move as tears well up in his eyes. Tobio blinks rapidly, shaking his head; his body trembles slightly, a detail not gone unnoticed to you.

"I'm sorry." You turn and walk away, staring at the ground as you do so; you hunch over and shove both hands in your pockets, fixing your earbuds and playing music softly as Tobio watches your silhouette recede into the distance.

_Should I be a man and let you go?_

_Should I let go of your tightly held hand?_

_Should I hug you goodbye?_

_But in the end, I couldn't do any of that_

He can't seem to hear his phone's ring tone, can't seem to hear his friend's consistent knocking on his door, can't seem to hear the support and kind words of Hinata or anyone else, for that matter. He can't seem to see anyone or smell anything, hear anyone or feel anything. He skips all his classes for the day, choosing only to stay in his room despite the beauty of his – your – _the_ college campus in the spring.

"He seems really out of it."

_"__You're worthless."_

"Should we leave?"

_"__She left because of you." _

"I hate to say yes, but I don't think there's anything we can do."

_"__You can't do anything about it; you'll never get her back."_

"Hey! Kageyama! Yoohoo, can you hear me?"

_"__She can't hear your desperate cries."_

"Shut up, Hinata! Leave him be. He'll get over her."

_"__(First Name) is better off now without you holding her back." _

Voices circle in his mind, blurring the edge between reality and insanity. He can't differentiate between his friends' voices and the self-deprecating, loathing ones running in his mind, the smooth, deep echoes of melancholy and despair.

His door closes as his friends leave and Tobio continues to sit on his bed, head in his hands. His tears have long since dried and his cheeks are stiff now, but he only bites his lip and continues to stare at the carpeted floor of his dorm room. His gaze is unfocused, staring at the floor but not seeing it, gazing at the fluffy carpet but only seeing your face.

_Just go home today,_

_I need a little time_

_I'm not in the right state of mind right now_

_I hoped this was all a lie,_

_I thought, after my tears dried_

He sees you at school, in classes, at lectures, at lunch, everywhere. He sees you with your friends, smiling as you always do, laughing loudly and throwing your head back at jokes and awful puns. His heart hurts when he remembers how you used to laugh with – or at – him. Tobio sees you with other guys, laughing and hitting their arm like you used to with him. He sees you tugging on their sleeve, sees you dragging them around campus, sees you acting normally, as if nothing ever happened between the two of you.

_"__Find another girl, you know? She'll be better than me. Anyone'll be better than me." _He can't tell you how wrong you are. It's been three and a half weeks, practically a month, and he knows he's pathetic for still not getting over you. When he was dating you, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you – you made him happy, and now, without you, he can barely function.

Tobio goes to mixers with Hinata and his friends, but nobody interests him. He only sees your face wherever he turns, hears only your voice in the lilting laugh of others, smells only your favorite shampoo in the perfume of other girls.

He doesn't want to fall for another girl. He's incapable of such a thing… to put it simply, he wants to only love you.

_Anyway, you won't even care how hard it is for me_

_How can I be with another woman that's not you?_

_You can't even imagine how hard it is_

_I thought about the future with you_

_But it's all wrong, I don't want to love_

_another woman that's not you_

You seem to be able to function normally, even the day after the break-up. You didn't cry when you broke up with Tobio, despite his tears. Your eyes simply bored into his that afternoon, but now, you avoid his gaze whenever possible as if you're guilty for what you did to him.

Despite all that, you seem to be incapable of crying over him.

_Your eyes are too steady for me_

_to say that I'll be better_

_There's just no way, I can't avoid this, never, never_

All Tobio wants is to hold you in his arms again, to hug you and to never let you go…

…but even that's too much to ask.


End file.
